getting thanks...

Life has been interesting lately, then again when isn't it?

I was just driving home today and remembered to take a moment and let the thankfulness in

The thankfulness which so often, stomps out many of my bad attitudes... My bitterness, selfishness, and judgements from a foolish heart. I remembered that i need to learn thankfulness each day, over and over again-i need to sit and reflect on the beauty being out on my life.
As I drove, I reflected on today, on the past few days.

And simply, presently, most deeply, i am thankful just that it is OK to be human.

Ok to cry, to cry out, to love, to hurt, to hope, to not understand. It is okay to walk in the dark sometimes, stumbling, stubbing your toe, falling over yourself and barely unsuredly making out the next step. It is okay to dream, to read fairytales, to long for a day when this story will be clearer. And it's okay to sometimes get a little lost in the details and then take a step back to see that all those small things that scared you, were really okay all along. It is okay to not have the most up to date map. Perhaps it is better and maybe some of those detours were really the sweetest part of the journey. And perhaps they were the only way you would get to love the destination so dearly.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness

but in ever way

at every moment

in every life's stage...

he understood,

he felt it, he lived it, he cried out about it...

our very God put on flesh

and the cloud of witnesses...they know-the walked this road too...they are beside us, cheering us...calling us froward on the race...the race, sometime, in the dark

and it's okay to let yourself need Him, need them...to need the body of Christ around you

and that brings me to the second thing, i am most thankful for

with this,

in this, the midst of all this mess and muck, these dross and diamonds, misunderstandings and pain,

i

am

most

thankful for

the power of love. that love, is greater than our darkness...our pain, and able to transform us, to transform our lives...

His love. His love in what He has done, His love in who He is,

His love being who He has made us to be

His love breathes through the love of those around us...

today, a dear friend called just as i was stepping away from work for a break...

ten minutes...and love, love from her heart to mine, encouragement, grace, joy spoken, from one endeared heart to another....i return to work, empowered by His love, by her love...

how does that work? How is it that love is the fuel that feeds our lives, that makes our lives worth living, that makes us who we were meant to be...

i returned to work, reminded of who i am because of who she is, because of who He is

I don't mean to be trite about love. I don't think it's just a cushy, empty good feeling...

no-it's something much deeper, greater, more fierce than that. and i think we all know this at the core of our being, of who we are. we all long, thirst and ache for this. and i have not yet learned to express it as i long to, but i see icons all around me, calling me to it...expressing the inexpressible...

love in motion, love in beauty, love in life.

and he came to give us life, and life more abundant than we could

ask

or imagine...

the diary of a moment, a day

each week, each day

i am made fresh, from scratch, from beauty, from life, from love

i am broken and made whole

i am becoming more who i once was and was meant to be

as slowly with each death a fear dies;

laughter returns;

hope is reborn,

and the things which once held my hope, now hold my gaze as i see them as they are,

reflecting deeper beauty, goodness, glory and light

i am remembering, i am forgetting

i am losing yet gaining

i am releasing yet clinging

i am sitting and running

i am resting and striving

i am learning and becoming

more and more a child

each day, every moment i am reborn

and

i am because He is

somehow along the way, life happens...

"it isn't a matter of courage...


she's just waiting for spring...."

-kylie johnson

as we wait, roots grow deep and the buds of life and love begin to pierce through past the darkness, hungry for light.

transformation takes time, it is more gradual than we like to think in our fast-paced world. we want comfort, quick fix, a verse or a formula to make it all better and the fruit appear. but no matter how we try and deceive ourselves, our formulas just don't cut it... growth, more often than not, doesn't happen in a blink, and it isn't forced...it happens naturally over time, in time, as we walk about and talk and live and eat and sleep...

a tree does a lot of growing when and where you're not looking; its roots delve down and we do not see, often buds are forming and we hardly turn our gaze until one day we step outside and find that tree which seemed dead just yesterday is now ablaze with blooms. so it is in the hearts of our brothers, and our own as well. outwardly, all may look like death. but the Spirit may be working his secret mysterious inward pruning and cultivating over time and how little we may see until the flowers bloom. thankfully to bring trees about, you and i do very little work, outwardly we may prune and weed and till but none of these make the tree grow, we just make room for it to grow.

they would not bloom were it not for that quiet work within which nobody sees and nobody.

knows. so that all glory may be God's, not to our power, our formula, our verse, or our argument.

so we love patiently, and pray hopefully and wait on the Lord to do His good and perfect work.

I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building.

Let patience have it's perfect work that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing...

i long so much

to document these days

of moving and mercy

wonder and praise

spent another beautiful evening with a dearest friend.

we read poetry together and marveled at the mysteries of his grace in our lives

how he's transforming, and revealing more and more light and glory

coming like a wrecking ball to everything we once thought and revealing a beautiful artwork beneath the surface of what we had seen. how sweet it is to be a child, and rest in his mercy, how joyous it is to be a patient revolutionary with hope in his power.

"how beautiful the breeze,

and the architecture of your smile."-kylie johnson

in spite of that, we call this Friday good

"The dripping blood our only drink,
The bloody flesh our only food:
In spite of which we like to think
That we are sound, substantial flesh and blood-
Again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good."-Four Quartets

Last night, contemplating His death

being reminded of His victory,

how much I need

what He did upon the cross,

defeating death by death,

what he endured

gladly for our sakes.

taking communion,

remembering, his body was broken, his blood shed once for all

that we may be made whole and walk in newness of life.

He was nailed that our bondage may be broken.

He was cursed that we may partake of His glory and blessing.

He took on darkness that we may walk in His light.

We need his broken body and bleeding side to make us wholly alive.

So let us go to this blood-bought meal and remember Christ.

The Bridegroom takes the curse for His bride.

Let us go, and let us also

leave all other lovers, all idols which clamor for our hearts,

and cleave unto Christ our Savior, our Bridegroom, our Lord.

taste and see that the Lord is good

step out

onto the waters

in faith

in obedience

trusting

he who promised is

able

to accomplish all

that he

has purposed for

you.

his compassion

"The wounded surgeon plies the steel

That questions the distempered part;

Beneath the bleeding hands we feel.

The sharp compassion of the healer's art."

~T.S. Eliot

The Four Quartets

my friend Micalah and I like to paint together. cardboard from a pizza box became our canvas. this phrase from Eliot has been on my mind a lot lately. There is a lot of pain that comes to bring about healing. Sometimes the medicine we drink is bitter and kills a part of us, in order that we may live. And just as a child with a hurting knee must learn to take his hands off the bleeding knee to let it's mother apply the salve that stings, and must let the stitches be sown that pierce to mend, so I must learn to let go of my wounds, and trust God do His perfect, painful healing work on my heart.

"Flames purify.

Self's idol do not mourn

For it must die

That I to love be born.

Fire can't devour

The holy children's mirth

That turns this hour

From death to radiant birth.

O burning Son,

Fiercer than the furnace flame,

O purifying One,

Come, burn me with thy Name.

So, dead to sin,

Alive only in thee

My life begin

Now in eternity."
-Madeleine L'Engle

from the diary of an old soul

 Lord, in thy spirit's hurricane, I pray,      

 Strip my soul naked—dress it then thy way.      

 Change for me all my rags to cloth of gold.      

 Who would not poverty for riches yield?      

 A hovel sell to buy a treasure-field?      

 Who would a mess of porridge careful hold      

 Against the universe's birthright old?

        ~George MacDonald

Ash Wednesday and a week later

a beginning...

in my end is my beginning...

Consider yourself dead to sin and alive in Christ

In this season, God has been showing me more and more my frailty and need for Christ. He has also shown so much of his compassion to me. My dear friend Micalah recounted truth to me over the phone this past Thursday as i was weighed down with sin in my heart, and the hurt and brokenness i see in myself, in those i love, in the world around me. In earnest longing to hold onto truths that seem to slip through my fingers and mind...I scribbled bits of truth onto my arm as she spoke to me, truths i needed to have bored into me. words of his compassion, his peace, his presence which I so often forget when i begin to be weighed down by sin, myself and this world.

Write it on the doorpost of your house, on your heart, on your life...we are so forgetful, so frail.

i don't know if these posts make much sense, and it is crazy and hard to be quite so vulnerable in them. but I think God is teaching me slowly, that in our brokenness, in our weakness, He is glorified. He Himself is our peace, our strength, our glory. i pray perhaps by His mysterious and glorious grace, you would see Him, His beauty and glory in my life.

out of death bring life

I've been thinking a lot about lent this past week or so. Perhaps, it's because I haven't really celebrated it since I became a believer, mostly because I didn't fully see the beauty, purpose and helpfulness of it, as I am beginning to now. Lent isn't about taking forty days and proving your holy, or being really disciplined so you can slack off the rest of the year. It isn't just an exercise in death to self. It is a reminder that the Christian life is a denial of self, a reminder that every day is filled with spiritual battle. It is meant to be a yearly re-awakening. It is meant to be a yearly consideration of the things we assume in our lives. A time to look closely and see what areas of life we are tempted to prize other things than Christ, to remember what He has done, that He died to set us free from sin, death and all the idols we think will make us happy. At least it seems that way most to me as I'm learning more about lent and what it's purpose is.

As I have been looking at my life, calling on God to show me my idolatry, I've realized that technology has been an ever-present, neglected (or rather fed) sin in my life. I have fed the sin, and neglected to address it. Last year, I memorized parts of Ephesians with a dear friend and remember the pains of conviction hitting my heart like hammer whenever I listened to these words:

“Awake, O sleeper,

and arise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you.”

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.-Ephesians 5

I knew at the time, that my life wasn't being spent well. God was using me and working in me, but I wasn't making the best use of my time, good but not the best. But it didn't take long for me to push these thoughts to the back of my mind and pretend I was doing fine. But over time, God has brought this area to my attention again and again. I'm so thankful he doesn't let us wallow in sin; he doesn't leave us as we are. He loves us enough to put his finger on that sin and press gently and call our hearts and minds to the joy and freedom of faith and repentance. As God has been showing this idolatry of comfort, quick-fixes, fantasy in my time devoted to the internet and tv, he's also showing me the unsettling affects it has had on my character. Some of which have been

a growing desensitization to truth, beauty, joy, pain and relationships around me

a lack of discipline in so many areas

a desire for quick fixes to alleviate a conscience, fix a friendship, grow a friendship, find an answer, meet a need, rather than love that endures, perseveres and fights

a complacency in the comforts of distant truths, reading about God on the internet can be quite different from showing his love to your housemates

a complacency with sin in my own heart

a worldly, self-centered guilt

a lack of thankfulness, a growing cynicism and a bitter complaining heart

an inability to finish hard and long things for lack of practice.

an inability to sit still, and rest in God, be content alone

I'm praying that God would use this time to sanctify me, to free me from these sinful tendencies, that He would transform my heart and mind into the woman He has made me to be. I realize these will be battles for the rest of my life, but I pray that through this, God would grant me to understand more what it looks like to rest in Him, fight sin and glorify Him in all things.

So, this will be my last post in awhile. I will still check email a few minutes every few days, and perhaps prepare something to write here while I'm going through this time, I'm beginning to journal more-which helps :). But I really just want to re-enliven my heart to the beauty of Christ, being sweeter than any idol. I'm crushing this household idol so that Lord-willing I can return it to a sanctified purpose after lent, seeing it more for the tool it is; an an instrument for showing forth His glory and encouraging and blessing others, not for selfish gain or escape.

sola gratia, soli Deo gloria

my beautiful ballerina coffee sister

She laughs loudly, gets overjoyed about the bible, prays constantly, dances often, speaks french, crochets, loves coffee, tea and good conversations. She's a dear friend who is full of encouragement and childlike joy. This is my sweet sister in Christ and fellow barista: Alicia.

I had the joy of taking some headshots for her today.

She asked me what inspired my writing and blogposts. I said beauty and God's grace. So I felt inspired to write this short post about this beautiful friend of mine whose friendship is a grace to me.

mystery, wonder and a few of my favorite things...

“The world of sounds, the world of forms, the world of tints, and the world of poetic ideas, can have no other source than God; and it is our privilege as bearers of his image, to have a perception of this beautiful world, artistically to reproduce it, and humanly to enjoy it” (Lectures, 156-157).

things I enjoy:

scarves.

tea.

vibrant full colors.

a long conversation with a kindred spirit :).

ballet dancing by myself.

Winnie The Pooh.

a new recipe.

dark chocolate.

peaceful music.

a sky full of stars.

naps in the sun.

hospitality.

kitchens.

knitting.

creating.

describing.

celebrating.

poetry.

history.

old buildings and cities.

dying leaves.

photos. especially those that remind people how beautiful life is, even when it's painful.

mysteries that I'll never understand.

"We don't know what is going on here. If these tremendous events are random combinations of matter run amok, the yield of millions of monkeys at millions of typewriters, then what is it in us, hammered out of those same typewriters, that they ignite?" -Annie Dillard

losing ourselves in thanksgiving

When I complain, I'm so big, my problems are so insurmountable, my weaknesses irremovable.

When I look up at my Father's hands, I become a small child with open hands, joyful heart, my problems are not to be fretted for because He knows all and gives all I need, gives all that is good for me. My weaknesses don't matter because I know He is strong.

Things I'm thankful for.

.salvation. I am nothing without Christ, He is all my righteousness, all my joy, and all my peace

.the incarnation-that God of the world, the creator came into this messy world, took on flesh and is able to redeem us and able to understand and comfort us

.the body of Christ, in Omaha, Cement City, Hillsdale, Lancaster, Louisville, Cleveland, all over the world. Along with this, the sweet fellowship that bonds us all together whether we've known eachother one minute or 6 years or never met.

.my wonderful, big, crazy family and my dear amazing mother who loves me

.my sweet job, and my wonderful coworkers-we have an incredible team-I love working with people who care about what they do

.tea, and coffee :)

.dear new friends, and deep sweet steadfast friends from over the years.

.heat in our home, clothes to wear, and food on the thanksgiving table

These are all gifts of love from my Father's hands, blood bought gifts.

In the dance of death unto life

Today I am taking a moment to breath in and enjoy God's beauty in creation and creativity. It's something I honestly don't do enough. Sitting on the porch of our sweet house, I catch myself in rapt attention to the shedding, burning golden tree across the street as I read Little Gidding by T.S. Eliot. I don't pretend to fully understand Eliot and I know he takes multiple rereadings but I just love his insight and his way with words even though they slip, crack and break to him. His grasping and straining for the right words to aptly describe life is beautiful. This passage caught me.

" the conscious impotence of rage

At human folly, and the laceration

Of laughter at what ceases to amuse.

And last, the rending pain of re-enactment

Of all that you have done, and been; the shame

Of motives late revealed, and the awareness

Of things ill done and done to other's harm

Which once you took for exercise of virtue.

Then fools' approval stings, and honour stains.

From wrong to wrong the exasperated spirit

Proceeds, unless restored by that refining fire

Where you must move in measure, like a dancer."

Perhaps it caught me because what Eliot is saying resonates with what I recently have been reading in Proverbs about the deception of our own hearts...

"The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water,

but a man of understanding will draw it out.

Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love,

but a faithful man who can find?"-Proverbs 20

Perhaps it is because what Eliot is saying resonates with what I see in myself. I know far too many things have I done and still am tempted to do for "virtuous" reasons which are selfish, rash and ignorant.

But I love the hope in Proverbs, in Eliot, in the gospel.

I want to learn from them and be holy. I want to remember that the refining fire is able. Able to delve into our deepest parts, reveal and scourge those ugly half-hearted motives and bring to life dead, unable, foolish hearts.

For those He kills, He makes alive.

In my end is my beginning.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Rain, Rain don't go away, the sun can come back another day

I love rainy days...

Today, I'm curled up on the couch with the Heidelberg Catechism and a grande Mocha....:)

There's something beautiful and reflective about rainy days...something refreshing but also something strangely calming after a long summer of heavy heat and humidity. At least it seems that way to me. :) I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes from That Hideous Strength

“'That’s why Camilla and I got married,’ said Denniston as they drove off. ‘We both like Weather. Not this or that kind of weather, but just Weather. It’s a useful taste if one lives in England.’

‘How ever did you learn to do that, Mr. Denniston?’ said Jane. ‘I don’t think I should ever learn to like rain and snow.’

‘It’s the other way around,’ said Denniston. ‘Everyone begins as a child by liking Weather. You learn the art of disliking it as you grow up. Haven’t you ever noticed it on a snowy day? The grown-ups are all going about with long faces, but look at the children – and the dogs? They know what snow’s made for.’

‘I’m sure I hated wet days as a child,’ said Jane.

‘That’s because the grown-ups kept you in,’ said Camilla. ‘Any child loves rain if it’s allowed to go out and paddle about in it.’”

....

anyhow, I'm enjoying this rainy day by curling up and enjoying the Heidelberg Catechism, circa 1576.

I was drawn into reading the Heidelberg Catechism when I visited a church this past weekend and in the service we read the first question and answer of the Catechism. For those who don't know, as I didn't until a few years ago, a catechism is a series of questions and answers meant to be a teaching tool for understanding our faith. It was the original "Frequently Asked Questions" reference and is filled with references to scripture for it's answers. It's beautiful and I can't wait to read more

"Q: What is your only comfort in life and in death?

A: That I am not my own,

but belong-

body and soul,

in life and in death-

to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ

He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,

and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.

He also watches over me in such a way

that not a hair can fall from my head

without the will of my Father in heaven:

in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.

Because I belong to him,

Christ, by his Holy Spirit,

assures me of eternal life

and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready

from now on to live for him."

A new favorite

The past two Sundays, we've sung this hymn in church. It's powerful, beautiful and really penetrates and makes you think. I love it.

1. Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee;
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my All shalt be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I've sought or hoped or known;
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.

2. Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me;
Thou art not, like them, untrue.
And while Thou shalt smile upon me,
God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends may shun me;
Show Thy face, and all is bright.

3. Go, then, earthly fame and treasure!
Come, disaster, scorn, and pain!
In Thy service, pain is pleasure;
With Thy favor, loss is gain.
I have called Thee Abba, Father!
I have stayed my heart on Thee.
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,
All must work for good to me.

4. Man may trouble and distress me,
'Twill but drive me to Thy breast;
Life with trials hard may press me,
Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me
While Thy love is left to me;
Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me
Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

5. Take, my soul, thy full salvation;
Rise o'er sin and fear and care;
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
What a Father's smile is thine,
What a Savior died to win thee;
Child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

6. Haste, then, on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith and winged by prayer;
Heaven's eternal day's before thee,
God's own hand shall guide thee there.
Soon shall close the earthly mission,
Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope soon change to glad fruition,
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Resting in the grace and glory of God

"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works"-Titus2:11-14a

These next few weeks are busy, boggling and daunting.

But let my heart always rest in my God and Savior,

may my knees be quick to fall in prayer,

may my speech be with grace seasoned with salt,

may the beauty of my Lord be seen in me,

may his word fill my heart,

may his truth quiet my spirit,

may his wisdom guide my path,

may my eyes never stray from my Savior, the author and perfecter of my faith,

may my mind never wander from the gospel but be transformed by it ever more,

may my life be a living, fragrant, lovely sacrifice, pleasing to my God,

may I be His workmanship.

Til the stars grow cold

Dear heavenly Father,

could I enjoy your goodness till the stars grow cold?

my father gently replies, after...

of Valentine's day

here's why it's perhaps my favorite holiday...

because I need every reminder I can get

of God's love

and to love His people

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.~1 John 3:1a

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

~1 John 3:16-18

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
~1 John 4:7-12

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. Andthis commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

~1 John 4:18-21