from the diary of an old soul

 Lord, in thy spirit's hurricane, I pray,      

 Strip my soul naked—dress it then thy way.      

 Change for me all my rags to cloth of gold.      

 Who would not poverty for riches yield?      

 A hovel sell to buy a treasure-field?      

 Who would a mess of porridge careful hold      

 Against the universe's birthright old?

        ~George MacDonald

Ash Wednesday and a week later

a beginning...

in my end is my beginning...

Consider yourself dead to sin and alive in Christ

In this season, God has been showing me more and more my frailty and need for Christ. He has also shown so much of his compassion to me. My dear friend Micalah recounted truth to me over the phone this past Thursday as i was weighed down with sin in my heart, and the hurt and brokenness i see in myself, in those i love, in the world around me. In earnest longing to hold onto truths that seem to slip through my fingers and mind...I scribbled bits of truth onto my arm as she spoke to me, truths i needed to have bored into me. words of his compassion, his peace, his presence which I so often forget when i begin to be weighed down by sin, myself and this world.

Write it on the doorpost of your house, on your heart, on your life...we are so forgetful, so frail.

i don't know if these posts make much sense, and it is crazy and hard to be quite so vulnerable in them. but I think God is teaching me slowly, that in our brokenness, in our weakness, He is glorified. He Himself is our peace, our strength, our glory. i pray perhaps by His mysterious and glorious grace, you would see Him, His beauty and glory in my life.

out of death bring life

I've been thinking a lot about lent this past week or so. Perhaps, it's because I haven't really celebrated it since I became a believer, mostly because I didn't fully see the beauty, purpose and helpfulness of it, as I am beginning to now. Lent isn't about taking forty days and proving your holy, or being really disciplined so you can slack off the rest of the year. It isn't just an exercise in death to self. It is a reminder that the Christian life is a denial of self, a reminder that every day is filled with spiritual battle. It is meant to be a yearly re-awakening. It is meant to be a yearly consideration of the things we assume in our lives. A time to look closely and see what areas of life we are tempted to prize other things than Christ, to remember what He has done, that He died to set us free from sin, death and all the idols we think will make us happy. At least it seems that way most to me as I'm learning more about lent and what it's purpose is.

As I have been looking at my life, calling on God to show me my idolatry, I've realized that technology has been an ever-present, neglected (or rather fed) sin in my life. I have fed the sin, and neglected to address it. Last year, I memorized parts of Ephesians with a dear friend and remember the pains of conviction hitting my heart like hammer whenever I listened to these words:

“Awake, O sleeper,

and arise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you.”

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.-Ephesians 5

I knew at the time, that my life wasn't being spent well. God was using me and working in me, but I wasn't making the best use of my time, good but not the best. But it didn't take long for me to push these thoughts to the back of my mind and pretend I was doing fine. But over time, God has brought this area to my attention again and again. I'm so thankful he doesn't let us wallow in sin; he doesn't leave us as we are. He loves us enough to put his finger on that sin and press gently and call our hearts and minds to the joy and freedom of faith and repentance. As God has been showing this idolatry of comfort, quick-fixes, fantasy in my time devoted to the internet and tv, he's also showing me the unsettling affects it has had on my character. Some of which have been

a growing desensitization to truth, beauty, joy, pain and relationships around me

a lack of discipline in so many areas

a desire for quick fixes to alleviate a conscience, fix a friendship, grow a friendship, find an answer, meet a need, rather than love that endures, perseveres and fights

a complacency in the comforts of distant truths, reading about God on the internet can be quite different from showing his love to your housemates

a complacency with sin in my own heart

a worldly, self-centered guilt

a lack of thankfulness, a growing cynicism and a bitter complaining heart

an inability to finish hard and long things for lack of practice.

an inability to sit still, and rest in God, be content alone

I'm praying that God would use this time to sanctify me, to free me from these sinful tendencies, that He would transform my heart and mind into the woman He has made me to be. I realize these will be battles for the rest of my life, but I pray that through this, God would grant me to understand more what it looks like to rest in Him, fight sin and glorify Him in all things.

So, this will be my last post in awhile. I will still check email a few minutes every few days, and perhaps prepare something to write here while I'm going through this time, I'm beginning to journal more-which helps :). But I really just want to re-enliven my heart to the beauty of Christ, being sweeter than any idol. I'm crushing this household idol so that Lord-willing I can return it to a sanctified purpose after lent, seeing it more for the tool it is; an an instrument for showing forth His glory and encouraging and blessing others, not for selfish gain or escape.

sola gratia, soli Deo gloria