from the diary of an old soul

 Lord, in thy spirit's hurricane, I pray,      

 Strip my soul naked—dress it then thy way.      

 Change for me all my rags to cloth of gold.      

 Who would not poverty for riches yield?      

 A hovel sell to buy a treasure-field?      

 Who would a mess of porridge careful hold      

 Against the universe's birthright old?

        ~George MacDonald

Ash Wednesday and a week later

a beginning...

in my end is my beginning...

Consider yourself dead to sin and alive in Christ

In this season, God has been showing me more and more my frailty and need for Christ. He has also shown so much of his compassion to me. My dear friend Micalah recounted truth to me over the phone this past Thursday as i was weighed down with sin in my heart, and the hurt and brokenness i see in myself, in those i love, in the world around me. In earnest longing to hold onto truths that seem to slip through my fingers and mind...I scribbled bits of truth onto my arm as she spoke to me, truths i needed to have bored into me. words of his compassion, his peace, his presence which I so often forget when i begin to be weighed down by sin, myself and this world.

Write it on the doorpost of your house, on your heart, on your life...we are so forgetful, so frail.

i don't know if these posts make much sense, and it is crazy and hard to be quite so vulnerable in them. but I think God is teaching me slowly, that in our brokenness, in our weakness, He is glorified. He Himself is our peace, our strength, our glory. i pray perhaps by His mysterious and glorious grace, you would see Him, His beauty and glory in my life.

out of death bring life

I've been thinking a lot about lent this past week or so. Perhaps, it's because I haven't really celebrated it since I became a believer, mostly because I didn't fully see the beauty, purpose and helpfulness of it, as I am beginning to now. Lent isn't about taking forty days and proving your holy, or being really disciplined so you can slack off the rest of the year. It isn't just an exercise in death to self. It is a reminder that the Christian life is a denial of self, a reminder that every day is filled with spiritual battle. It is meant to be a yearly re-awakening. It is meant to be a yearly consideration of the things we assume in our lives. A time to look closely and see what areas of life we are tempted to prize other things than Christ, to remember what He has done, that He died to set us free from sin, death and all the idols we think will make us happy. At least it seems that way most to me as I'm learning more about lent and what it's purpose is.

As I have been looking at my life, calling on God to show me my idolatry, I've realized that technology has been an ever-present, neglected (or rather fed) sin in my life. I have fed the sin, and neglected to address it. Last year, I memorized parts of Ephesians with a dear friend and remember the pains of conviction hitting my heart like hammer whenever I listened to these words:

“Awake, O sleeper,

and arise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you.”

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.-Ephesians 5

I knew at the time, that my life wasn't being spent well. God was using me and working in me, but I wasn't making the best use of my time, good but not the best. But it didn't take long for me to push these thoughts to the back of my mind and pretend I was doing fine. But over time, God has brought this area to my attention again and again. I'm so thankful he doesn't let us wallow in sin; he doesn't leave us as we are. He loves us enough to put his finger on that sin and press gently and call our hearts and minds to the joy and freedom of faith and repentance. As God has been showing this idolatry of comfort, quick-fixes, fantasy in my time devoted to the internet and tv, he's also showing me the unsettling affects it has had on my character. Some of which have been

a growing desensitization to truth, beauty, joy, pain and relationships around me

a lack of discipline in so many areas

a desire for quick fixes to alleviate a conscience, fix a friendship, grow a friendship, find an answer, meet a need, rather than love that endures, perseveres and fights

a complacency in the comforts of distant truths, reading about God on the internet can be quite different from showing his love to your housemates

a complacency with sin in my own heart

a worldly, self-centered guilt

a lack of thankfulness, a growing cynicism and a bitter complaining heart

an inability to finish hard and long things for lack of practice.

an inability to sit still, and rest in God, be content alone

I'm praying that God would use this time to sanctify me, to free me from these sinful tendencies, that He would transform my heart and mind into the woman He has made me to be. I realize these will be battles for the rest of my life, but I pray that through this, God would grant me to understand more what it looks like to rest in Him, fight sin and glorify Him in all things.

So, this will be my last post in awhile. I will still check email a few minutes every few days, and perhaps prepare something to write here while I'm going through this time, I'm beginning to journal more-which helps :). But I really just want to re-enliven my heart to the beauty of Christ, being sweeter than any idol. I'm crushing this household idol so that Lord-willing I can return it to a sanctified purpose after lent, seeing it more for the tool it is; an an instrument for showing forth His glory and encouraging and blessing others, not for selfish gain or escape.

sola gratia, soli Deo gloria

my beautiful ballerina coffee sister

She laughs loudly, gets overjoyed about the bible, prays constantly, dances often, speaks french, crochets, loves coffee, tea and good conversations. She's a dear friend who is full of encouragement and childlike joy. This is my sweet sister in Christ and fellow barista: Alicia.

I had the joy of taking some headshots for her today.

She asked me what inspired my writing and blogposts. I said beauty and God's grace. So I felt inspired to write this short post about this beautiful friend of mine whose friendship is a grace to me.

mystery, wonder and a few of my favorite things...

“The world of sounds, the world of forms, the world of tints, and the world of poetic ideas, can have no other source than God; and it is our privilege as bearers of his image, to have a perception of this beautiful world, artistically to reproduce it, and humanly to enjoy it” (Lectures, 156-157).

things I enjoy:

scarves.

tea.

vibrant full colors.

a long conversation with a kindred spirit :).

ballet dancing by myself.

Winnie The Pooh.

a new recipe.

dark chocolate.

peaceful music.

a sky full of stars.

naps in the sun.

hospitality.

kitchens.

knitting.

creating.

describing.

celebrating.

poetry.

history.

old buildings and cities.

dying leaves.

photos. especially those that remind people how beautiful life is, even when it's painful.

mysteries that I'll never understand.

"We don't know what is going on here. If these tremendous events are random combinations of matter run amok, the yield of millions of monkeys at millions of typewriters, then what is it in us, hammered out of those same typewriters, that they ignite?" -Annie Dillard

losing ourselves in thanksgiving

When I complain, I'm so big, my problems are so insurmountable, my weaknesses irremovable.

When I look up at my Father's hands, I become a small child with open hands, joyful heart, my problems are not to be fretted for because He knows all and gives all I need, gives all that is good for me. My weaknesses don't matter because I know He is strong.

Things I'm thankful for.

.salvation. I am nothing without Christ, He is all my righteousness, all my joy, and all my peace

.the incarnation-that God of the world, the creator came into this messy world, took on flesh and is able to redeem us and able to understand and comfort us

.the body of Christ, in Omaha, Cement City, Hillsdale, Lancaster, Louisville, Cleveland, all over the world. Along with this, the sweet fellowship that bonds us all together whether we've known eachother one minute or 6 years or never met.

.my wonderful, big, crazy family and my dear amazing mother who loves me

.my sweet job, and my wonderful coworkers-we have an incredible team-I love working with people who care about what they do

.tea, and coffee :)

.dear new friends, and deep sweet steadfast friends from over the years.

.heat in our home, clothes to wear, and food on the thanksgiving table

These are all gifts of love from my Father's hands, blood bought gifts.

In the dance of death unto life

Today I am taking a moment to breath in and enjoy God's beauty in creation and creativity. It's something I honestly don't do enough. Sitting on the porch of our sweet house, I catch myself in rapt attention to the shedding, burning golden tree across the street as I read Little Gidding by T.S. Eliot. I don't pretend to fully understand Eliot and I know he takes multiple rereadings but I just love his insight and his way with words even though they slip, crack and break to him. His grasping and straining for the right words to aptly describe life is beautiful. This passage caught me.

" the conscious impotence of rage

At human folly, and the laceration

Of laughter at what ceases to amuse.

And last, the rending pain of re-enactment

Of all that you have done, and been; the shame

Of motives late revealed, and the awareness

Of things ill done and done to other's harm

Which once you took for exercise of virtue.

Then fools' approval stings, and honour stains.

From wrong to wrong the exasperated spirit

Proceeds, unless restored by that refining fire

Where you must move in measure, like a dancer."

Perhaps it caught me because what Eliot is saying resonates with what I recently have been reading in Proverbs about the deception of our own hearts...

"The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water,

but a man of understanding will draw it out.

Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love,

but a faithful man who can find?"-Proverbs 20

Perhaps it is because what Eliot is saying resonates with what I see in myself. I know far too many things have I done and still am tempted to do for "virtuous" reasons which are selfish, rash and ignorant.

But I love the hope in Proverbs, in Eliot, in the gospel.

I want to learn from them and be holy. I want to remember that the refining fire is able. Able to delve into our deepest parts, reveal and scourge those ugly half-hearted motives and bring to life dead, unable, foolish hearts.

For those He kills, He makes alive.

In my end is my beginning.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.